The Heart's Deepest Longing
by sam101
Summary: my first fanfic and it's Taiora.... Tai loves Sora but is it real or infatuation? Can he let go of what he wants for her happiness?
1. pain and complications of the heart

Disclaimer: if I owned digimon... if I could fire the writers from season 02...if Tai and Sora were an official couple...oh, sorry, just wishing that I owned digimon... but as you can see I don't own digimon or the characters... just my own characters and the plot...now leave me alone so I can keep dreaming...if I owned...

Author Note: this is my first fic and I am dedicating it to a writer who got me into fanfiction... a very talented author who is well known for his deep and heartwarming Taiora fics. He has inspired me to write here and I am proud to do so... LOGAN, Please take a bow! (If you don't know of him for some strange reason... check his stories out in my favorite author section)

The Heart's deepest longing.

Chapter 1: Pain and complications of the heart

Life is painful, anyone could tell you that. Only a fool says otherwise. Rich, poor, men women, children all experience it at one point or another. Still as much pain is in the world, hope springs more abundantly, without pain we do not know hope, without hope we do not know love and without love, life ceases to have meaning.

Love, many definitions have been given for this most cherished of emotions. A man will take a bullet for his loved ones, another will stand hours in the rain for a chance to see that special someone, yet another will hold the world hostage to prove his love. More to the point love isn't one dimensional, it has life and energy. Love isn't necessarily the big things but the small too. A smile, a hug, heart to heart conversation, it all is a part of the bigger picture that is love. Waking up next to that person, the sharing of a bed, even the slightest touch invokes our deepest longing... and our deepest fears, yet it has been said that "Perfect Love casts out all fear". Why then do people have fear? Because the love in us hasn't been perfected. It is through time and experience that love grows, not through the infatuation of the moment or the heat of passion. Like with all emotions, Love is supposed to enrich our lives, not rule it. Yet it remains to be seen whether or not humans in general can handle the commitment or the patience required to make their love reach it's perfection.

Tai Kamiya wasn't sure what love was anymore. True there were many definitions for love and if love was a multiple choice test then he would pick "C" all of the above. Yet lately he began to feel depressed and the conviction is his heart began to waver.

"She is going out with my friend!" for the millionth time the thought pounded in his head.

The girl he was referring to, of course, was Sora Takenouchi. Since as long as he could remember, they had been best friends, soccer buddies, confidants. In the digital world, she was his biggest supporter (arguably so when Kari was brought into the picture). However, somehow, at some point, the love for her as a friend has blossomed into more. Tai was more than surprised to find himself in this predicament as he always just thought of them as best friends. Yet more and more he had fallen for her. Not just her looks but every little mannerism that made her her. The way her smile could brighten a room, how a few strands of her hair dangled gracefully in front of her face. Her scent of vanilla and strawberries that made him delirious. Then of course there was her soccer talent. True she had given it up in lieu of tennis but the time spent with him on the field proved the chemistry that lay dormant in them.

The friend of whom he was thinking of was Matt Ishida. Like it or not, Matt had been vital in the saving of the digital world. Throughout their adventures, Matt's friendship had been key. As convicted and strong in his own right, Matt made a core element of their team. With him by his side, Tai felt that no one could challenge the digidestined. Try as he might, Tai couldn't help but be happy for his friend, but heartache is a cold drink to take.


	2. down but not out

Disclaimer: I really hate digimon but...sssshhh... omegamon is in the house and is making me write this story. If he catches me then I am...oh no! aaaaarrggggghhh! He got me! I am vanquished... wait a sec...I am typing still... wooohoooo I am not dead! (readers sweatdrop)... I am kidding... I LOVE DIGIMON! even if **I don't own the characters or the show... or the movies... or the manga... or the action figures... or the card game...or the...**

...I do however own the characters I make up and the plot...

**I also DO NOT! Own Victoria's Secret... so don't sue!**

Author Note: I am trying to write as often as possible but due to certain scheduling conflicts... I may not get to update as often as I would like. Forgive me... lol even though I only have two reviews at this moment... and one of them is a flame... anyway I write onward regardless of reviews...whispers please review!

Chapter 2: Down but not out.

The wind is cold... bitter...a sharp contrast to the joys of the holiday season. Like a plunge into frigid waters, the bite is a knife turned inward. Unrelenting and unforgiving, it shreds, tearing away the warmth like a kidnapper to child until all that is left is the trace amounts of sadness wrought in its wake. The sun doesn't shine, not a chance on a day like this day.

Chances... missed opportunities...echoed shortcomings becoming dry like the sick taste in the mouth. No hope, no help, no way out. Demons plaguing every step of the way. Twisted mind games of the heart. Nothing left but the despair...nothing left but the ragged shadow of a young man in desperate abandon.

Christmas didn't do much for Tai anymore. It could be the fact that it was cold... freezing at that. It could be the Christmas specials that took place of his favorite tv programs. Yet it was none of that. Love was his hate on this particular occasion. Hate not for others, not even on the guy that had the girl he loved with all his heart, but on himself.

The girl...Sora...love of his life. Yet it was one Christmas ago that held the pain. Memories of the tragic fate that became him...

* * *

-_flashback-_

_Light danced across his face. Time stood still, held captive by destiny...his destiny... Sora. A few more feet away...move forward._

_Wind blew the hair away from her face. Time froze, a moment of truth...her destiny. A door...just reach out and open it._

"_Hey Sora! Wait up!"_

"_Oh Tai...ehh." Pink crimson poured over her face. Shock registering like a lover's infidelity._

"_Something smells good" Agumon chimed in, a digimon at heart. It was then that Tai noticed the package in Sora's arms. A simple box with a red bow. From the aroma, he guessed they were warm sugar cookies. _

_A door opened and Matt's partner Gabumon greeted them._

"_Matt's busy getting ready, but I'll take those to him_._Mmmm"_

"_I bet you will no way, you'll eat the whole thing yourself." annoyance heard plainly in Biyomon's voice._

"_Why I resent that...I'm on a diet." was all the retort given._

_Gabumon and Biyomon go at it with their bickering. Unnoticed was the awkward silence that surrounds and permeates into the soul. A suspicion crept into Tai. He almost turned and ran, so afraid of the truth that he was on the verge of uncovering. Yet he stays, he has to see this to the end. No matter the cost._

"_So...uh...Sora...you goin' to the concert with anyone?...not that it matters to me...just wondering."_

_More shock, a look of utter surprise in her eyes, yet there is more...pain, sadness. He holds his breath as she rips his heart out and the last shreds of courage fade into oblivion. _

"_No I want to be available in case Matt is free afterwards...heh..._"

_Only the death of the moment remains. A numbing sensation that threatens to take him. A bitter ache in the heart that almost renders him immobile._

"_Oh I see...Matt huh?" lost light...lost hope...yet he can't deny his nature or his strongest trait. It temporarily breaks through the doldrums of the moment and imparts to him the words to say...painful._

"_It's ok..." Her look is one of relief. She meets his gaze to find his eyes full of warmth, full of support. His hurt is palpable. _

"_Your not mad at me Tai?" For a second, his front wavers, heart quivering like the throes of a weeping child. She searches him for a sign to the silence. Any change in his eyes are gone now. He answers. _

"_No of course not...now get in there and say hi to Matt for me."_

"_Thanks Tai..."_

" _The least you could do is leave us the cookies."_

"_Tell you what...I'll make some special ones for you."_

"_I'll be waiting...thanks."_

_He watches her walk away. The gift for her forgotten within the folds of his jacket. Nothing left to give. _

"_You know what Tai?"_

"_What?"_

"_You've really grown up!"_

_Silence follows. A cold shiver as hope ends in the expelling of a breath and all that is left is the silence._

_Destiny denied..._

_-end flashback-_

* * *

"Tai, wake up!" Kari's voice like a siren broke through the melancholy of the night and reached out and violently shook him into consciousness.

Tai was sitting on the couch watching his reruns again. It had been like this for days. As Christmas approached, the couch once again had a furrow in it.

"I'm awake, Kari! Please...just leave me be for the moment."

"Sure, Tai, I just wanted to let you know that TK was coming over to pick me up for dinner."

"Cool...have a good time." he mumbled.

Kari walked away with a little bit of sadness following her. It had been days since Tai's mood had taken a dive. Days of that forlorn look in his eyes. Lost was the vigor and strength of her life's hero. Tai was a great leader, strong and unwavering. In him was the burden of being responsible for the team's safety, of having to make decisions that could make him unpopular or hated, he was alone through it all. More so now then ever before.

Remembering when she had confronted him out of concern almost broke her heart. Kari had asked him if his sadness was brought on by Sora and Matt's relationship. She spoke of hope that a girl was out there for him that would make his dreams a reality. She spoke of promise. He had been quiet, and all he had said was, "a leader is always alone". She had cried softly as he turned and walked away, the symbolism apparent. His distancing was not only physical but emotional too. Oh how she had cried for him. She wanted him back. The Tai that played soccer with her, taught her how to ride a bike and the Tai who risked his life to get her the medicine she needed to control her fever. Yet even for the angel of light, hope was beginning to fade.

Hope came though in the form of an angel. A knock on the door woke Kari from her thoughts. She hurried to the door and opened it to find the man of her dreams, Takeru Takaishi. Her boyfriend, soul mate, partner. His presence brought new energy to her body and she jumped to his arms and pulled him in for a passionate and long kiss.

"Amazing" was all TK could say after she finally "let him go". He was well aware that if Kari glanced into his eyes, that she would see stars. He might stay up there in the heavens if not for a cute giggle._ Damn! She had seen him._

"Glad to see you too, hun." he blushed. All he could do was look into her deep brown eyes, lost for an eternity, a never ending paradise.

Kari was beautiful to Takeru. No other words came to mind, no other words were necessary. There were other girls that were hot or cute in his eyes, but Kari was the only one he could ever describe as beautiful. She had a way about her, a subtle grace that seemed to flow from nowhere. An undescribable joy that one might spend a lifetime searching for and find, but never truly understand. It was though one person had been placed on the earth through divine will to enrich life, and if you could just capture a little, you might be saved. She was like a bottle of sweet perfume, intoxicating and priceless. A part of you wants to never open it to the world and to keep it all to yourself. So afraid of losing it, you would get bitter and jealous. Through time you might even hate yourself for having it, a bittersweet emotion. Yet in the end, you realize that selfishness does not become you. You have to let it out to the world, for the world, because it is so wonderful. A part of you aches at the cost, but the satisfaction of seeing the joy in others leads you past the pain.

"So, where are we going for dinner? Fancy Dine-in? Or do I get the drive thru?"

"Only the fanciest drive thru for you, my dear." Tk grinned with mock sarcasm. "Complete with after dinner entertainment with a love hungry boyfriend."

"Uh, huh... and what type of "entertainment" might you be proposing, hmm?"

"Well... there is the new arcade at the mall and it has a shooting game that is co-op?" Tk offered with a innocent look and a slight smile.

Kari feigned hurt and started to walk away from him, but suddenly found herself wrapped up in strong arms. Strong, yet gentle, his touch drove her insane. To be close to him and feel his chest made her breathing heighten in excitement.

Lowering his head towards her ear, Tk whispered, "but the evening is yours m'lady, your humble servant can only live to please you."

Such cuteness only made Kari love him more. Tk had grown up since their adventures, from a loveable boy she adored to the adorable young man that she loved with all her heart. Changes were expected, yet his love for her never wavered. As a boy, Tk had never been far from Kari. And now he was a young, handsome man. Nothing changed. Tall and handsome, and captain of the basketball team to boot, he was a chick magnet. Some even said that he was better looking than his heartthrob of an older brother Matt, who of course denied the possibility. Many girls were jealous that she was going with Tk, yet; somewhere in their minds they knew they were meant for each other. The rest of the digidestined couldn't really say they were surprised at the developments taking place. Although the news of it still was broken carefully to Tai, who to say was protective over her, was a bit of an understatement. So far, Tk still had full control of his body and to the rest of the digidestined hope was still alive...if for the moment. Of course, most had known this was coming, though Kari found herself pleasantly shocked every time she contemplated their coming together. She remembered his look on that day, his smell, his smile. It all came to back to her with alarming clarity.

* * *

-_flashback-_

_People walked to and fro on their various paths of life. It was a cool September day, the sun shone brightly on the two who felt no cold. For the angel of light and the knight of hope, this day couldn't have been more perfect. Tk and Kari decided to meet at their usual coffee shop for breakfast, but today was different. _

_Kari nervously opened the door to the shop. Strong aromas immediately welcomed her, but they were completely ignored. Around her, soft music romanticized the atmosphere. _

'_Maybe he won't show up,' she thought anxiously. It had been a week since Tk had come to her rescue from the dark ocean. Things should have gotten back to normal, as normal as things can be when the boy you love just spilled the beans that he too had a mutual attraction. Their relationship should have taken off within minutes of that admission but instead they gave into shyness and complete awkwardness. Finally, something had to be done. Tk had called her and told her that he wanted to meet up with her at their usual place. Kari had hesitantly accepted the offer and now was currently dreading the results. Eventually her eyes caught sight of the one who was the source of her greatest love and at the moment her greatest fear. Siting in a corner booth looking equally as anxious was Tk. She made her way to him_

"_God, why am I here?" _

_Tk had been repeating the question to himself for the better part of a half hour. After calling Kari, Tk had hurried to the destination early to give him time to think. Upon arriving, the extra time hadn't done as much as Tk had hoped. He still was nervous as heck to see her. He didn't know how things could get any worse... then he looked up..._

'_Oh crap! She's walking towards me.'_

_The distance closed faster than either would have liked until they were face to face. Silence followed as the ambient noise from the shop floated around them. After the staring contest had progressed for a minute or so, Tk got the bright idea to speak._

"_Umm,... so... Kari,... want to order something?" _

_Immediate mental beatings began to take place in Tk's head. _

'_That's right, stupid, hedge, hedge, hedge! She's smarter than that...stop making small talk!'_

'_Wow! He's making small talk, he must be more nervous than me.' Kari thought._

"_Sure, lets order, I am getting hungry." _

_In short, despite efforts to get onto productive subjects, small talk continued. Tk asked how Tai and her family was doing and in turn, Kari returned the favor. Throughout the course of the next 45 minutes, food was eaten, information was passed on and nothing was resolved. It was in between sips of her ice tea that Kari finally broke the ice._

"_I can't take it anymore!" _

_Tk looked up in question, a piece of pork still hanging from his mouth._

"_You can't take what anymore, Kar?" _

"_This silence that is between us, these unsaid feelings. I know you feel it to."_

"_God Kari..."_

"_Just say it Tk... please. I need to hear you say that you love me. Despite everything that hasn't happened after you told me you cared too much to let me go without a fight. Why the silence Takeru? Is this how you said you would fight to keep me?" _

_Only an unreadable emotion was on Tk's face as he stared at the table. Yet still he said nothing._

"_Please, just say it... say something..." tears were streaming down her face, "TK...?"_

_Slowly, he brought his eyes to her. In the light, she could see they were shining with emotion too. Doing his best to stay strong, Tk took her hands into his._

"_I'm scared of you, Kari..." was all he replied. Surprise was evident on her features but she let him continue._

"_I'm scared of losing you... scared of the dangers that threaten this world and losing you to them."_

"_Oh Tk, you could never lose me."_

"_That's enough!" the force of the words shook Kari and succeeded in getting dirty looks from other customers and the on duty manager. _

"_We aren't kids anymore Kari, how much longer can we stay naive? Yes, things have worked out in the past, but who's to say that it will always be that way? You are the keeper of the crest of light. Logically, darkness is going to always be battling you. I'm afraid of the way you make me feel. Afraid that I won't be able to save you if you are in danger. This love makes me weak, and I can't be weak during the times when you might need me the most."_

_Kari could only watch as Tk broke down. Falling freely from his eyes were his insecurities, his fears, all that was bottled up inside, now came bursting out._

_A moment of doubt flickered into Kari's mind, but was quickly removed by the knowledge of what to do. Moving over to his side of the booth, she wrapped her arms around him and bringing his head to hers, she kissed him. Complete and utter bliss, as the salt from their tears unified their desire. Time froze and all of creation stopped. He opened his heart to her and she breathed fresh life into his blood. The moment kept going, they knew it had to end, but time could wait a little longer._

_Finally, Kari pulled away. Gazing into his blue eyes, she said three simple words._

"_Bring it on." And in that moment, Tk knew they were destined to be together, to be in love... to simply be._

_-end flashback-_

* * *

Kari shook out of her trance. The sudden jerk of her head made Tk laugh. Pink began to blossom on her face as she tried her best impression of anger but it only came through as a cute pout.

"Were you daydreaming about me again?" Tk laughed.

"Wow! Am I that transparent?"

Tk once again drew her in for another kiss, yet this time it was a simple one. The kind that is full of love without the passion of two mouths colliding like a train wreck. Turning, they headed out for the night's entertainment, when Kari suddenly sobered and looked back. The couch was empty.

"I love you Tai." she whispered as she let a tear fall silently from her sad eyes.

* * *

In another part of Odaiba, two other digidestined were making their own splash. Love had been a twist of fate for Joe and Mimi. A person on the street would never imagine that they were a couple. But the fates apparently had something else in mind because like it or not, they had it bad for each other. There were no words to describe the union of the nerdy pre-med and the fashion prep. Many were the stares of disbelief by other "prep" guys who could never fathom the connection between the two. Of course none of them could ever know that it was Joe that stuck by Mimi's side in the digital world. That it was him that did all he could to keep her safe, regardless of her throwing herself in harms way. In the end, she had seen past the nerd and to the true beauty beyond. Class and social hierarchy had no place in this love. Only unbiased, impartial devotion.

Joe Kido was growing into a smart, intelligent and most of all, reliable, man. The digiworld had made him realize his limitations and his strengths. The fights, the trials, the constant danger had turned him into a man. Like steel is forged through intense heat, so Joe was transformed into a man with an indomitable will. Different from Tai, his was a quiet strength.

Mimi, well... she was Mimi. The experiences that forced others to grow had helped her mature in some respects. Much more reliable and less squeamish, she saw past her own problems and saw more sympathy others. Her sincerity always helped her make a difference. However, she still was a dramatic girl who was never happier than when she had some shopping to do.

Together, they made a balanced couple. Each one of their strength's complimenting the other's weakness. For the keepers of Reliability and Sincerity, challenges only made their love stronger, and on this particular night it was nice to forget about everything but each other. All that mattered was the present... and a hot fudge sunday that Mimi insisted on every monthly anniversary. As she figured she had 18 or so coming since she had been gone in America for a year and a half. They had kept in touch and asked each other out via email. Something which their closest friends only assumed Izzy would do. Mimi had just moved back to Japan from living in America and spent no time in reuniting with Joe and celebrating all those month anniversaries. Tonight being no exception.

"Mimi, would you stop window shopping already!" Joe whined. On their way to a restaurant, Mimi had dragged him to the window of every shop they had passed.

"You don't seem to mind some of the places we stop at..." she replied with a smirk, stopping at a particular window and looking in.

"Ok, Mimi, we are going to be late and..." it was then that Joe noticed the shop that they were currently standing outside of.

**VICTORIA'S SECRET: all bras and panties 50 off!**

sweatdrop all Joe could do was stare at the ground as Mimi, giggled.

_How do I get into these things?_

* * *

"Incredible! Is this really Kaismei's?" Kari exclaimed.

All Tk could do was smile really big. The reason for the exclamation was that Kaismei's was one of the most sought after restaurants in town. It had taken weeks of saving up money from his job and hurt looks from Kari when he had denied her dates. Still, he had gotten what he wanted, a reservation at the great Kaismei's. Plus, seeing the look of wonder and love from Kari made it all the more special.

"Yes, and I hope you are hungry, because we are going to dine like never before."

"Tk! This is the best place you could ever take me to!"

"Well, shall we commence?" Tk said with a slight bow, while offering his arm. Kari happily took it and followed the waiter to their reserved table.

_a few tables away_

"So, Mimi, do you like your food?"

Mimi glanced at Joe's questioning face and replied cutely, " Well, it's no Chile's but I guess it'll do."

Joe sighed. Ever since Mimi had returned from America, she kept on going on and on about the food there. Always about the cultural differences. Joe loved her but for once, he wished she would stop comparing. Pretty soon she might start comparing him to American pre-meds and... well he didn't want to think about that.

Watching him intently, Mimi started laughing.

"I'm kidding snuggums, I love this place. America is cool but this is home and I adore it."

Then whispering into his ear, "plus the Pre-meds there aren't nearly as cute as you."

Joe practically spit the food out of his mouth. Looking up he only caught the movement as she leaned over and kissed him. For the moment, he forgot everything but her and was still in awe of how well she could read his thoughts.

_Totally weird_

"Kari, Tk, is that you?" forever ended as Mimi opened her eyes and spotted two very important people.

Kari shrieked (with restraint considering the classy location) and made her way to the two. Picking up the rear was Tk, and looking at Joe, both knew this was going to be a long night.

"Meems! how are you doing? How is school back here in Japan?"

"I miss the states but you can never get enough of your roots."

"That's for sure!" the girls continued talking as Joe and Tk caught up. It was obvious that both were glad to see each other but were also anxious to get back to their respective dates. Yet, the girls would have none of that for the moment, so Joe and Tk settled in for the long haul.

"So Kari, how is our fearless leader? Has your brother found anyone worthy yet?"

Kari was silent and solemn. All she could do was think of poor Tai, sitting alone at home.

Mimi immediately read the look on Kari's face. Apparently Tai hadn't quite gotten over Sora.

"I'm sorry Kari, I should have realized... it being Christmas time and all."

"No it's ok, everyone just assumed that he would eventually move on, but he hasn't and he's in such a bad place that it hurts to watch."

"Don't worry Kari, I am sure it will be fine, Tai doesn't give up easily and I bet he is going to be fine."

Kari managed a smile, "I hope so."

"Now let's get out and have some fun!"

Within moments, the four were back on their way to having a blast. Food, music and entertainment. Tai was an afterthought. Yet, despite having fun, Kari still felt troubled.

* * *

A scream in the night, a constant battle raged on. Victory is an illusion on this plane of existence. None entering into the halls of inner torment escape. Desperation, despair, death! Running, always running, he wasn't even sure how long he had been, since the...the... the blood on his hands and body. Slimy and sickening, he tried to wipe it off but to no avail. It was everywhere, his face, chest and arms were covered with it. The smell was strong, a coppery amalgamation of everything that hell was. Confusion set in, where was he? Eyes haunting him, her eyes... her...Sora...

Tai sat up in his bed, a painful awakening that found him in a cold sweat. The nightmares were getting worse. He had to get out of the house, he had to leave.

Throwing on his shorts and t-shirt, he left his room. It was the dead of winter and yet he didn't care. What could physical pain do that emotional pain couldn't? He quietly left the house on a whisper and headed to the one place that could give him solace...any place away from the pain. He had to escape.

* * *

"Hello? Tai? I'm back from work!"

Tai's mom looked around for her firstborn. All that greeted her was an empty apartment, minus the sleeping husband in their bedroom. Putting down her purse, she made her way to Tai's room. A deserted bed yawned back at her. Sighing, she closed the door and went back into the kitchen to make herself dinner.

She had seen him suffer. Night after night of the restlessness. Cries emanating from his room, and the ever present stench of sweat that was baked into Tai's sheets. Aya was on the verge of breakdown herself. A spectator to a horror that she could not change. She would be there for her son, yet; it was hard to be there for him when he was gone or sleeping most of the time. She wasn't sure what the problem was but her instincts told her that it was about Sora.

_They were so close once..._

* * *

Trees wavered in the slight breeze. Quiet ripples in a pond, yet all was still. The sky was black, and the stars peered out over the landscape. Pale light bathed the forest in an eerie glow. An occasional animal could be heard scampering along the forest floor. In the distance, a growing malice permeated the silence. Unnoticed it grew, the stars began to snuff out violently, then all was still. Silence once again blanketed File Island.

And at the peak of Infinity Mountain, staring out at the ocean, stood Tai.

* * *

Author's note: mentioning of the new digidestined will be either limited or nonexistent... that is up for debate as the story progresses. However I am open to suggestions. I hope this was a good beginning to my story. And I hope you enjoyed it. Chapter 3 will probably take another week or two but then again, if I don't have any fans then it won't matter, but I will continue to write. Oh well...but if you are a fan, please review. Be honest and critical with the technical aspects and just as so on the entertainment factor. Tai is 18, Sora is 18, Izzy is 16, Mimi is 17, Joe is 20, Tk is 15 and Kari is 15 years old. 


End file.
